Bad Sex, what does it do to your relationship?

New content added to this article on 9/22/05

The point of this article is to explain the emotional effects bad sex has on a relationship and offer a "kill the root" solution to the problem:

Okay, so your sex life with your partner sucks. Ladies, before you go reaching for that pool boy, fellas before you start looking at your secretary different, how's about we all stop being whiny little bitches and instead of running away from our problems we actually deal with them. WHAT A CONCEPT.

So what's the first step... get the Kamasutra right? No! I've met couples that don't even use a lot of positions and are completely fulfilled with their sex life, why? Because even in a one night stand there is still SOME form of bond going on, for both men and women. Without some form of emotional, mental and physical "connection" occurring sex won't be enjoyable too often.

(If you're thinking "yeah but what about players and such; the truth is most "players" as you call them would love to connect with someone but simply don't have the balls to do it, so they settle for a lesser version of a connection, the kind of connection they can handle from a one night stand or very short term relationship. Players however are different from pimps, remember that ;-)

So the first step to a better sex life is to get a better bond going right? So it's time to take your wife out to play catch, or take your husband to get his nails done... ummmmm... not quite.

Close, getting warmer, but not quite. So what then? The first step in anything, is to understand. You want to solve a math equation, you need to understand the equation. You want to solve a dispute, you need to understand what the problem is. You want to improve your sex life, you first needs to realize what your current sex life is doing to your relationship.

WOW

Let's just focus on what BAD SEX does to your relationship.

I had the displeasure of experiencing some very bad sex the other day, and I'll be honest I am a difficult person to satisfy and can be extremely demanding, usually it's "okay" sex, rarely was it ever "bad sex". This time, after writing my book, and starting some new ones, I've been paying closer attention to my reactions and interactions with the women I meet.

So when I had this bad sex I really took some time registering my feelings.

Let's put it this way, I'll describe it step by step in the mind and I think that will make it obvious.

Here's a sort of boiled down example of how a person thinks and feels during and after bad sex:

"This feels good, I'm so relaxed, I feel so warm. This orgasm is going to be soooo good. Oh yeah grab me closer, that's it dig into me. Wait... are they getting close already? Damn I better hurry up, I don't know if they'll have the energy to go again after this one, I hope they do, but what if they don't? Fuck I'm so far away how the hell am I supposed to catch up? This isn't fair, they're going to get this awesome orgasm and I'm going to be stuck here wondering what the fuck happened. They're not even thinking about me, look at em. Yeah, that's it asshole, close your eyes and get yours, god forbid I got something in return. We'll see how lucky you'll be the next time you want sex. Fuck that I want mine, I want it. No, please no, don't cum yet, just wait, just wait a little longer, I'm getting closer, I can feel it, oh god I can make it, I can't believe I'm rushing to have a fucking orgasm, who is this person? Stop thinking about it, at least get your orgasm, if you can just cum then it'll be worth it. Wait, wait wait wait don't...

Sigh. At least keep going now that you're done, I mean... so that's it? God damnit, just another ten minutes and I would have been in heaven. But nooooo, look at this asshole just sittin there like it was a job well done or something. God I feel sick. So that's it then? It's over, nobody cares about me I was just a fuck toy? Well then why are we even together if that's all I am?"

I've listened to a lot of people complain, and while word for word that may not be what they say, that little rant is a representation of what they feel.

Ladies: When you give your man a bad night in bed, it's like when a guy makes a stupid comment at the most emotional and beautiful part in your favorite movie. It's like watching "the color purple" and watching as mother is being reunited with daughter, and those tears of joy and an incalculable mix of emotion is building up, and building, the tension rises and they are all about to run into each others arms and be reunited after so much heartache and tragedy and just as they are about to touch your man says "god that sun in the background looks so FAKE" and changes the channel on the TV.

Guys: Giving your woman bad sex is like waiting all year for football season, or basketball season, watching your team get all the way up to the final "big match" getting down to the wire, your team needs just one more score to win, if they can't pull it off, it's over and you and your team walk away losers. The clock is ticking, this is it, can he make it? he's almost there, almost there, he's might do it, a guy from the opposite team is closing in on him, he's almost there

"Honey look at this coupon I found!" She walks in front of the TV and you miss it... When you're boys talk about that "big play" that"once in a life time experience" you won't have a god damn clue. She ruins the whole god damn season in one instant.

Even if you've never seen The Color Purple, even if you don't watch sports. You get what I'm saying. You're building them up and then throwing them on the ground.

Without them even knowing it, without anyone realizing, you just raised the tension level in your relationship. Sex isn't everything ladies and gentlemen... but I'm sorry... sex is the biggest thing. Without good sex you're just friends. You're not really "together" without sex. And without GOOD sex, you'll eventually drift apart.

So, I've described to you what bad sex does. Now let's talk about that "weird tension" type feelings I mentioned at the beginning of this article.

Social conditioning, be it through school, parents, religion or wherever, is the largest and most damaging factor in the way you interact with your partner.

In other words... you're already screwed. Not screwed for good, but you have NOT been given the proper tools to get the job done. Save the pouting and complaining for later, that's not what this article is about. It's okay that you weren't taught how things REALLY work, we'll work on it now.

What's the most important thing in anything? Communication! It's why wars are won, it's why threesomes happen, it's why anything that can be viewed as an accomplishment occurs.

So what's communication? It's talking right? You talk to each other and that means you're communicating.

NO!

Communication is all about understanding. WHY? Because without understanding... there is no communication. It's just two jackasses waiting for their turn to talk.

There's two parts of communication, understanding others, and being understood. Without both parts of that equation, you're basically talking to a wall.

So how do you understand? Basically, take what the person is saying and analyze it. There's two parts to what someone says, the direct meaning, and the indirect meaning.

Example: You work at a small business, your boss walks over to you and talks about edging around the bushes. He mentions how it would really make the place look nicer and reflect a better impression on the customers. Let's say you don't want to do it.

Someone who isn't listening will respond "that's not in my job description". Someone who is listening will say "Totally, it's just like how some people size you up based on your clothing. It's sad to admit it but people are very superficial, at least when they're making first contact. How this place looks on the outside and the inside is really going to tell them something about what kind of business this is. If it were me I'd get a professional in here as soon as possible and have him take care of it. Get it done right the first time and not have to worry about it after that." And then go on to offer what you're ideas as to what would look good include.

The first assessment was the "direct" aspect of what your boss said. He wanted edging around the hedges. Your feelings about that were that you didn't want to do it. But then we asses the second aspect of your bosses statement is the indirect meaning, in other words; what his statement has to do with him. It wasn't just a request for hard labor, he wanted to express the importance of his business to him and to receive confirmation of his feelings from you as well. He also wanted to increase his trust in your involvement by hearing your feedback and seeing if it's the kind of personality he's looking for.

Here's what the first example does to your boss when you say "it's not in my job description". One: You assumed he was asking you to do it. Assumptions can come in handy, but the problem is when you assume wrong, it tends to piss people off for a large number of reasons. Two: You didn't give him time to finish his point... you must not care about the point. Three: You showed an aggressive disinterest in the beautification of his business, you must not care about his business either.

So in an instant, your boss now feels angry due to your assumption, he feels insignificant because you didn't even let him finish, as if his words mean nothing, and he is hurt and offended by your lack of interest in something that means the world to him; his business. Now all of a sudden he wants to fire you... but he can't, because socially, there's no good reason... so instead... there's a long uncomfortable pause, followed by tension in the office between you two.

Okay, time out, why are we talking about listening when this is supposed to be an article about bad sex? The difference between my articles, my books, even my album, is that unlike a majority of the world, I don't deal with the surface. If your problems were weeds, most others teach you to cut off the head... then what happens? The problem comes back. No, I'm addressing the root, which will help to fully eliminate the inability to deal with such problems in the future effectively.

The root of the problem to bad sex is cluelessness. Cluelessness, is a single word that describes not only an inability to listen (both to spoken language and body language) but also an unwillingness to change or improve coupled with a defense tendency to avoid the issue in the first place. So if cluelessness is the issue then how do we negate that issue? We give you a clue, we show you how to listen, how to give a damn, and how to stop the need to run that is currently in your brain.

Once you have a clue, you'll start understand your partners desires, needs, and responses. Once you understand that, you'll then start to comprehend what he/she wants. And then BOOM, all of a sudden sex is great, the atmosphere in the house is solid and you are a little happier.

Now, the previous example with your "boss" is a great example between someone who is listening, and someone who is not.

To listen you must first comprehend the direct meaning of their statement, followed by the indirect statement. The first has to do with you, the second has to do with them. Usually, actually most of the time, you want to react more to the second one. In all honesty the direct meaning is sort of a courtesy people grant each other. Really the only thing they're interested in is your response to their indirect statement.

So say you're trying to be a good listener, but your partner is behaving in such a way that you feel like you're talking to a wall. What should you do then if you are a wall or if your partner is a wall?

When you're talking TO a wall, you need to work harder at making yourself understood.

When you ARE the wall, you need to work harder at understanding the people talking to you.

The only way to do that is to get a handle on the second aspect of your cluelessness: an unwillingness to change. That is a topic for another, much longer article, lol, but just try and keep an open mind, force yourself to face the issues, and with time, listening will be easy for you.

Understanding is probably the most difficult thing to do, but it is also a thing that makes everything else easier.

My current listening and communicative ability has given me the excellent gift of interacting with women in such a way that I haven't been with a woman that annoys me, confuses me, or stresses me out in over two years. I'm confident that is exactly the way it's going to be for the rest of my dating life. Granted, living together makes things a world more difficult, but it's simply more of the same problem solving, more listening and more interaction. All things that you'll be able to handle soon enough.

It's when you shut down and assume no one is listening, it's when you don't listen to yourself, and it's when you give up out of fear that things will fall apart. NOT when you try to talk things out and argument erupts because of it.

Sex is important, but good sex is born from understanding, and understanding is the mother of communication. Do what you have to do to get the GOOD communication, OPEN communication, free of insecurity, and you'll get the good sex. I promise.

-Kephra

Believe it or not, lots of married guys have SAVED their marriages, thanks to Kill The Crap In Dating: For Men, my therapist approved book that not only helps men to better under themselves, but amazingly also helps women to do the same thing. Get yourself a copy, you'll be glad you did ;-).