Why Men Don't Call Back
Why don't men call back? Well, there's a few reasons, the only one you have control over is going to be discussed in this article. This one is for the ladies but I invite the guys to read and see how much they agree.
There's this interesting belief that I think a lot of women have when it comes to why guys don't call back. They think it matters WHEN they have sex with a man and not HOW. They think that it's something they said and not HOW they behaved on a date that made the guy blow her off.
One thing I try to make clear in my new book "Kill The Crap ™ In Dating: For Men" is that contrary to popular belief, men and women are very very similar. Especially when it comes to what they respond to, and what they do not respond to.
Both sexes have a pivotal trait that they look for in a mate (someone they want to see more then a few times). Pivotal traits are traits that HAVE to be present in order for there to be any attraction.
For women the trait is simple, he has to be a strong man, he can't be a weakling. Everything else is secondary. Women love powerful leaders who don't back down. This quality can make her feel excited when he's around and miss him when he's gone. They want a guy who is truly independent and not needy; that's the basis of a "real man". A guy can be imperfect in every other way but as long as he is a strong dominant male, she will be attracted to him.
So what does every woman think a man's pivotal trait is? It's looks right? A woman has to look like one of them super models on the magazine covers right? A girl has to be pretty in order for a man to want her right?
Wrong.
A mans pivotal trait is that you be real with him.
Why? Women who are liars that only use people can only get involved with bottom of the barrel, weak pushover kinds of guys, regardless of what they look like.
Remember we're talking about a CONNECTION. A man won't call a woman he doesn't feel a connection with after he's had sex with her. And a woman won't call a man she doesn't feel a connection with either. Men and women are very similar.
So what does sex mean to a woman? It means a connection. What does sex mean to a man? It means a release.
Women have sex, most feel a connection. Men have sex, and for most… that's it. Hopefully the he can do it again.
In the evolutionary sense, a woman has to put a higher value on sex because she cannot produce more eggs. She has a certain number of chances to get pregnant and can't waste it on someone that she doesn't feel is a good mate.
But men can produce sperm for years and years and years. So to them it's no big deal, if they make a mistake they can always try again.
Now, in society this spills over, most women will put a higher value on sex then men.
Again, it doesn't really matter when you have sex, it matters more how you have sex. Did you just bend over? Or was there a connection? It doesn't really matter when you go on a date, it matters how the date went. It doesn't matter what you say, it matters how you behave.
In other words the most important thing is how you communicate. Not just with words, but with everything, your body language, attitude, all of it.
A woman will often do things to qualify a man to herself… but what does she do to qualify herself to the man?
One thing I've noticed about men who are successful with women is that they will respond aggressively to the woman's tests, respond properly, as well as offer a challenge back. That challenge causes a feeling of inferiority in the woman and she feels compelled to respond, or give feedback in some way. It's almost as if they men trick the women into communicating on a sub-verbal level, the only level that can truly cause that "cat and mouse" sexual tension that is needed in order to get together. Now, often when watching these guys they'll have women eating out of the palm of their hand, but… only a certain few will catch their eye and actually have a chance to take things further.
So in other words, the men that you want to be with have standards.
The only way to have solid communication and cause a connection is to have uninterrupted communication. You may not need to talk all of the time, but sub-level communication has to occur constantly in order for there to be a connection.
Picture it like playing Marco-Polo. He calls out, you call back, he calls out, you call back. In fact, most childhood games are actually meant to teach you some sort of skill that is socially important.
So what happens if he calls out, and you don't call back? He stops, he may call out again, but if he gets no call back then he'll just wander off somewhere else.
So let's go back to that pivotal trait for a man; which is that you be real.
Women will often be confused as to why the man stopped calling. But I think that the main reason why women don't understand why there isn't a connection is because they honestly believe that they can trick the man.
If you are TRYING to be a mother to man (women who have true motherly instincts don't even realize they do it, if you're trying it's crap)… it tells the man that you are only capable of caring about someone for short periods of time, after a while you feel burned out. It shows that you are unreliable and can't be counted on. That's why every time you try to show a man that you are caring, he uses you. HE'S NOT USING YOU. HE'S staying with you for as long as you can actually handle it. In essence he read what you are and didn't even know it. To a guy he sees you, hears what you're saying and says "well at least I'll get laid out of it".
You may hate that, but the complex and complete version of what he's saying is "Well this obviously isn't going to work out, she's not a loyal person, but it will work out just fine for a short time, so I'll enjoy it while I can" and then after he's had sex with you; he realizes that if he continues to see you that he's simply setting himself up to be let down by you.
So he walks away.
If you are TRYING to be an "independent" woman; then that tells men that you have been dumped a LOT for being too clingy and annoyed the hell out of a lot of guys due to your own insecurity. You are the first to end the party, so you become a proverbial wet blanket; so obsessed with not appearing weak, that's exactly what you come off as… weak.
If you spend too much time putting up a front about being something you're not, all that does is increase the amount of worrying you do about whether he'll find out your secret or not. Why are you so concerned about losing him? It's insecurity. The guy sees it and leaves.
Strong men will know instantly when you are faking because when he sends out a signal, he doesn't get the right signal back. They'll simply get bored or cheat on you.
That's life, admit that you aren't some independent woman with a sexual identity, you're not all "I am woman hear me roar" you're some girl who is afraid of being alone and you're so scared that a guy might find out your little secret and leave you that you try to FAKE being independent thinking you can trick a man into sticking around. You can't trick people all it does is make a guy feel like you're not interacting with him anymore. He'll feel like the connection has been lost and while he may try to reconnect, he'll usually just move on.
Stop looking for a better way to trick people and start looking for a way to just be yourself.
The truth is most men continued to pursue you in the past because they think that eventually you'll show your true self. They can see who you are under all of the bullshit and they like what they see. It's not that they like you're fake self, but they see you're real self and they want more of that. Real men see the same thing, but they don't have time for you, because there's another woman out there that doesn't need to hide, so they just brush you off their shoulder.
Either way being fake gets you something you didn't want. Stop believing that you're fooling anybody. You're not.
Why do you think really attractive women talk about feeling lonely all the time? Because the more beautiful you are, the more fronts you put up to avoid being hit on 60 times a day. But the side effect of that is you start to forget who you are. And when you finally do meet a guy that you like, YOU screw it up.
In my book "Kill The Crap In Dating: For Men" I show guys how to stop being nice and to start demanding that you drop your bullshit. So hopefully as more men purchase the book we can be rid of that little problem of overly nice guys.
When a man doesn't call after sex, or after a date, or a phone conversation, it's often in response to something you did, it's his way of saying:
"I know what's really going on. Yes you have weaknesses, I see them. But, if you can show me those weaknesses, then I'll know that underneath it all you're actually a strong person that I can rely on and I'll start to trust you. But if you go off on some retarded tangent to try and convince me that you are something you are not, then I'm just going to be annoyed and turned off. And yeah, even if you don't open up and be honest, I might try to have sex with you anyway, but only because it's all you're good for."
No, it's not all about sex, but if there's nothing else, at least a mans effort wont be wasted if he gets laid. That's how guys think. The truth is; if a man takes off, it doesn't matter if he's a player or whatever, you did something before he left that night that made him decide he was ONLY going to have sex with you.
This REDICULOUS obsession with "when" to have sex with a man is what encourages you to completely miss the point; men know when you're being fake.
Men don't call you back because you gave them no reason to want anything more then sex, you hid like a scared little rabbit everything that you really are. When you do that it creates no CONNECTION. The most important thing for a follow up meeting.
THE PROBLEM: To men, sex is a release, to women sex is a connection. Women think because a guy has sex with them that there was some kind of connection. When this happens they go into hyper drive to think of ways to make sure he doesn't find out about all of the terrible things that are bad about her. Women will start to expect things from themselves, they'll then ASSume that men also expect the same things from them as well. Which is rarely true. So the ladies switch gears, and try to make it known that just because she likes the guy doesn't mean he's mister in charge. And they start acting all tough, and it's kind of amusing.
All that does is make you look needy. Because it's obvious that the only way you would come up with some dumb shit like that is if you had been thinking about how much you desperately want him for the past three hours, or the five days that you didn't see him from the first date, or whatever. It's then that he decides you're a good lay, but that's all. He has sex, and then you don't hear from him again. Or he says goodbye with a smile after a date and never calls. Because he knows you're full of it.
Your fear is what drives men away.
One thing you have that guys don't:
Men are just as perceptive to body language, just as skilled in social behavior as women, but men are more forgiving then women are. In the beginning of a male/female interaction, if a man makes a miscommunication, it's over and that's it, the door is closed. But with a man, a woman has about three strikes before he decides if he wants to close the door. Even after the door is closed, there are ways to get back through.
The biggest turn off for a man is for you to talk all this smack about how independent, or caring, or smart, or tough you are, only to find out you're just like everybody else or worse.
There are lots of women that try to prove to me that they're some independent woman and I can't tell them what to do and bla bla bla they're so tough and… to be honest, from a man's point of view… it's pretty damn boring, because it's obvious that they're just trying way too hard to hide the fact that they are intimidated. And when they do these little pre-thought-out things that show me that their an independent girl, it just tells me that the entire time we were apart, she was thinking about me and devising a way to hide the fact that she was interested for fear of being hurt. And in all honesty, I don't have time for that crap. I've met women that act dominant, when really they are just dependant on having a man who is weaker to make themselves feel strong. They can't feel strong on their own, so they become codependent with a weaker man. I actually had a girlfriend when I was homeless who I thought connected with me. But once I got on my feet, she just couldn't handle it. I had to dump her because it became clear to me that she was dependant on being with someone weaker, and I don't have time for that.
Real independent women are very open about everything. What they like, dislike, want, don't want, when they like someone and when they don't. Truly independent women are not emotional wrecks. But they are emotional. Being void of emotion doesn't make you tough, it doesn't keep you from being hurt. When a man sends out a sub-level message to a woman who is emotionless, he gets nothing back. He gets bored, and moves on. Being tough when you're not, when you're just TRYING to be tough, makes you feel empty and lonely.
You should not get mad because a guy won't call you back, if deep down inside you know that you were hiding things from him. Your stupidity lies in the fact that you assume the guy doesn't know. He may not be able to describe what makes him grow tired of your bullshit, but he knows something isn't quite right, something is silly about you, so instead of trying to decode what it is; he "follows his gut" and just stops talking to you.
How can you fix this? Simple, if you know that you were fake, just call him. But don't call the guy up talking about how you're sorry for being fake because that will simply dissolve the attraction.
He stops calling you as his way of saying "NO, either you stop lying or I won't waste my time."
Call him back after four or five days, maybe even a week, this shows that you're not freakishly desperate but that you're not pretending like you don't like him either which is just as bad.
When you call him start out with light conversation in a soft tone of voice. The soft tone of voice is the apology. The fact that you called him and you had a soft, non aggressive tone of voice shows that you understand what he was thinking and are sorry for what you did. It makes him feel understood, like you want to work with him, and he'll begin to give you a chance. In true communication, few words are needed to resolve things. Few words are needed for anything when two people understand each other.
Keep the conversation light and easy going, KISS: keep it simple stupid.
Call him just to see how he is. Don't say "I just wanted to see how you were." Trust me, don't. Call with the intent of seeing how he's doing. Don't call to set up a date; don't try to "get" anything from him. Don't call to verbally apologize, nothing like that.
But this time when you talk to him, let your guard down one notch; don't drop your guard too fast, just a little to show you are trying. Men don't care if you have flaws, they do care if you're doing nothing to improve them. And they HATE it when on top of that you're trying with all of your might to hide them.
It's insulting, men will feel disgusted or annoyed by you and not understand why, the reason is that you thinking you can trick them is appalling.
So just stop trying to trick people.
Then at the end of the conversation say something like "Well, maybe we'll talk again later in the week". You're not asking for a date, you're simply saying "hey I'm trying here".
You have to deal with his response, if he blows you off again, he may be testing you to see how serious you are, you can try again if you want, or move on.
The best way to handle problems like these is to stop doing what causes the problem in the first place. Of course there will be lots of women saying how some guys just "play games" but I think the main reason they say that is because they honestly have no clue WHY the guy is ignoring them so they chalk it up to something they can't control, which conveniently means there's nothing wrong with them and they don't have to improve. And to those people I say ... "okay".
Stop being fake. Stop pretending that the guy can't see what you're hiding. He can.
The reason why guys don't speak up about this is explained in the article
Learn from your mistakes. And yes... there are exceptions to the rule, but a lot fewer then you think. Stop making excuses and get to work!
You'll be okay, just try a little harder to understand instead of accuse.
-Kill The Crap-