Finding Comfort in your Decisions.

You say no all the time, but what happens when you feel like shit for saying yes? Whether it's yes, OR no, women have a right, and a responsibility to find comfort in their own decisions. This article aims to introduce the reader into a path that will help them understand the difference between actual "mistakes" and simple self doubt. In case you couldn't tell, this article is about your SEXUAL choices.

Okay, so you met a guy, he's funny, interesting, attractive and fun to be around. It's your first date and the hours just melt together, the night ends with a kiss... but the kiss goes on. Your heart thumps and pounds inside your chest, like a drug your mind is lost in the sensations forming across your skin. Pleasure pulsates through your insides and rush after rush overwhelms you as you fall into ecstasy.

You wake up the next morning, and you feel good... real good.

And that is where the problem begins. Like an infection, slowly it spreads. How long did you know him for? What's he like? What's he saying to his friends right now? What's he going to expect the next time you see him? Is there going to be a next time? What does he think of you now? What will YOUR friends think? What do you think of yourself? Was it the right thing to do? What's right? It felt right, but what if it's not right? What if he dumps you? What can you do to protect yourself from getting hurt? Should you pursue him for a relationship so that way the sex meant something? Or do you stop talking to him completely so that way you dump HIM first? You could try for friendship... the sex was REALLY good... really good... What about friends with benefits? But shouldn't you be more then just a friend? Then a booty call? Didn't the sex mean something? What did it mean?

Shut up.

Stop.

Deep breath in... deep breath out. Relax.

Let's address these questions, because they give us clues into what's REALLY going on inside your mind.

If having sex with a great guy that stimulates you on so many levels sounds and feels like such a great thing... why are so many of you ladies left questioning your own decisions? Flip through your copy of Kill The Crap In Dating: For Men, a book that is purchased by women 20% more often then men because apparently women have more interest in understanding themselves then guys have an interest in understanding women... I feel bad for women, you ladies have such a bad pool to pick from, lol. ANYWAY, I'm getting off topic here. Flip through your book (only applies to 2nd Edition) to the section where I equate women to a lone wolf in search of food. Read it, then read it again, once you have a grasp of it, move on to the next section of this article.

Social Behavior and how it effects your self image:

Sticking with the "wolf" comparison, people, both men and women are in constant assessment of where they lie on the "social totem pole". Why do women go off to college on the other side of the world and have promiscuous relations with whomever they choose... only to return home and resume checking their every move to ensure their social safety? Why? Because the social rules don't work in the human mind on a national level, they work on a "pack" level. Whether that pack be a certain town/city, maybe just a certain area or block, perhaps just a group of friends. The only real time that such psychotic attention to detail surfaces, is when the individual is present within "earshot" of their current pack. Think about it... do you REALLY feel like a loser-slut for what you did on Spring break? Chances are the answer is NO. But what about what you did at the party down the street? Hmmmm... Going to another state 600 miles away can quickly induce a lot of behaviors that maybe even YOU didn't think you were capable of. However, traveling 50 miles away may not have the same extreme effect. The closer to earshot, the more restrictive you become. This tells us that we may hold others opinions a little higher then we like to admit.

"But I don't care what people think, I'm an independent woman." Well... hey maybe you are, but chances are if you are bugging out about whether or not having sex with someone was a mistake, the truth is you have no self identity, you don't know who you are or what you want where your sexual drives are concerned... you're insecure. This isn't said to make you feel bad, or to belittle you, it's just the reality of it. And deep down inside, you know it's true, it just takes a Dick like me to get you to admit it ;-).

So since we now know that part of your personal discomfort is based in this concept of ensuring your social status through checked behavior (true you may not care about what individuals think, but how you are considered overall DOES bother you on a daily basis), we can continue with this wolf analogy from our book and derive a partial solution to your problem. The thing about the human mind is that one obvious problem is usually a culmination of several, possibly even dozens of other smaller problems, and each smaller problem has it's own unique cause that needs to be addressed. We'll work on the most efficient solutions so you'll improve to the point where you can at least be comfortable with your sexual choices and leave the "daddy didn't hug me enough" issues to you and your therapist.

So, I understand your need to ensure a positive social position in your life, and I also agree that it's important for healthy living. BUT... there's one thing you don't understand; most, if not all, decisions about where you stand in society are entirely up to you. Let me give you some examples to verbally paint a few pictures worth a thousand words.

Picture 1: A man cheats on his wife, lies about it, then gets caught. After he can't deny it any more, he simply acts like it isn't a big deal. People hate him for a few years, but he just keeps walking around like he's the hottest things since bacon and eggs, keeps his confident smirk, his proud features. In spite of issuing a public apology, that nobody bought into, he's still acting like he's the man. Several years later all of a sudden the world loves him again... I just introduced you to Bill Clinton. A man who, through body language and attitude, expressed his own social status by not backing down for being who he is regardless of what people think. Today, he's made hundreds of thousands of dollars off of a book he's written, his wife is still with him, probably video taping him with other women... or bringing some of her own girlfriends over to play, and America wishes HE was president again... rock on Clinton.

Picture 2: A black-female musician tops the charts with her debut solo album, people from all over come to see her perform live, and for a time, everybody loves her. Until one day, she decides to publicly announce that she doesn't want, and never wanted, white people to buy her album. Unfortunately for this genius, none of her high-priced entourage ever bothered to tell her that almost ALL music from all styles is purchased by white-middle class-males. So, big shocker her record sales plummet to a pathetic low. And in a feeble attempt to regenerate a nation's interest, she issues a public apology. Welcome to the rise and fall of artist; Lauren Hill. Obviously she's a racist whorebag, but so what, this is America- bitches, and whether we agree with her or not, it's her fuckin right. And she has to have HER rights in order for us to have our rights, so regardless, she has to be accommodated to a certain extent. But, the thing is she didn't accommodate herself. In fact, she not only sold out her white-middle class- male following, she sold out her black following as well. AND, on top of that, sold out the 75% mixed race, non-racist America (I don't know if that number is accurate or not, I don't think anyone's done a study on how racist America is yet) that was buying her albums.

Now... I'm not saying this would have worked for her; but I'd be curious to see what would have happened if she went up for that public apology and said "Fuck ya'll I hate white people" and got all "black panther" on America. I mean at the minimal she'd have the black-racist community as loyal purchasers of her products for decades to come, clocking probably a few hundred thousand a year off of just that. But no, she didn't back herself up at all, she established her pathetic social status TO America, with slumped shoulders, bitterness, weakness and a "say whatever I can to get you back" persona, she completely lost pretty much everybody. And so we placed her at the lowest point on the totem pole. She felt weak, so we thought she was weak. Clinton felt strong so we think he's strong. Simple. And no, there's no exceptions to the rule, lol.

So what have we learned? I could list a few hundred more pictures, but just trust me. If you fuck ten guys in a week, and every guy was an awesome, high quality man, and you believe that each guy was worth your body and effort, the only way other people will doubt you is if you doubt yourself first. Believe me, there are much more exotic, interesting and exciting ways to play hard to get and be a challenge and have high value that DON'T involve holding off on sex for three months, not returning phone calls or pretending not to like someone like we're all stuck in fifth grade again passing notes that instruct a guy to "circle yes or no". Whatever little things you do to make it more difficult, there are BETTER ways. There's a difference between being an annoying pain in the ass that's only good for sex, and being a challenging, fun exciting WOMAN that is not only worth it for the sex, but is also a joy to be around... be the REAL woman great guys are looking for and you'll have your pick. Granted, being so great you'll have a lot of pansy losers chasing after you, but you already have that, the difference is when a real man comes along, you won't be the one chasing him away with your neediness and second guessing. HUMANS don't like second guessers. Self doubt, uncertainty, these are traits of people that get their ass kicked every Thursday at 3pm by the flagpole when they're in grade school while everyone points and laughs.

Am I encouraging you to be promiscuous? I'm encouraging you to be yourself. Whatever that is, regardless of what I think, what they think, what anyone thinks. If you're not aroused by a guy, don't have sex. But if you are, and three months later you're still scared running and not returning phone calls secretly wishing he'd just throw you on the bed and tear your clothes off and "be a man". Guess what? He's not a loser... you are. Because if your too much of a pussy to back yourself up... why would anyone else? Why would your friends? Or your family? Or the boy next door?

Well, if you fit into this category of raging "2nd guessers" I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that your friends DON'T have your back, you're lonely, confused, ANGRY (though you deny that part of yourself) and are so unsure of how to get what you want, because you don't know what you want, that you haven't gotten laid in a looong time. And if you have... it's by a guy that just doesn't belong in there... banging around not knowing what he's doing.

Remember, the above concept of projecting your status instead of having it projected onto you is just one aspect to the problem. Dealing with with this one problem will show a dramatic increase in your ability with men.

But there's still much work to be done. For now, your first exercise to becoming a better woman is to simply get out there and be comfortable in your skin. Getting what you want from men isn't as easy as most women play it off, so don't worry about that stuff, we're working on the basics. Since men initiate the interaction your goal is to simply ALLOW him to take you where you want him to take you. If that's out for a bucket of fried chicken, fine. Out for fried chicken and a movie, fine. Out for friend chicken, a movie, and a nightcap... fine. Want sex? Fine. Use protection, make sure he doesn't have any weird sores, and you'll be fine.

Sadly, women have to deal with a lot of complicated problems like "what if he doesn't take no for an answer" and things like that, which is unfortunate, and I think the route to a lot of your anxiety. But think about it, how many times in a day do you test a guy you're interested in? You're telling me you run all those tests (realistically more then a hundred a day) and you still don't know shit? Learn to follow your heart. If he's a loser, he's a loser, no matter how nice, how rich, how good looking. If he's the man he's the man, no matter how fat, how ugly, or how poor, lol. If you like getting your ass beat, fine. Don't be ashamed. If you don't like it, don't allow it to happen. But whatever you do... don't hesitate. Hesitation is a daily prison that keeps you from everything you've ever wanted. Listen to your instincts, if your heart says no, walk away. The kind of conflict we're discussing here occurs under social conditions. "This guy is really popular" Trust me, riding him like a Sunday cowgirl isn't going to make you any more popular. "He's powerful" slappin your ass and callin him Suzy isn't going to make YOU powerful. Well... not in your every day life anyway. What you do has to be for you. What you think will dictate what others think. Seek out people that help balance you. If you know you can get a little too crazy, date a guy that knows how to keep you in line. But if you never get crazy... don't date a guy who doesn't want to get crazy.

For now, find calm. Go somewhere alone, somewhere public, where people usually go with a partner or friends, and sit there alone. Just sit there, watch people, see how everyone interacts, study them. You don't understand how to interact with men, so get some examples. Don't look at the world as experts, look at them as being just as screwed up as you are. Ask yourself, "out of everything I'm seeing here, what do I like?" See the pieces of the puzzle that makes up what you're looking for, and take the time needed to put it all together. What's great about this is it puts your mind onto SOMETHING, how many hours have you spent freaking out simply because your thoughts are too unfocused and you can't lock on to something? Do this exercise, after a while you'll start to relax. Do this every day until being in public alone doesn't bother you any more. After you can handle being alone. Handle being seen with others. Once you don't care what people think of you or who you're with, then you can move on to being alone with someone. Small steps make the entire process more simple.

Wow, this article is becoming more like a book, again, I should really be charging you bastards for this, but hey, I'm enjoying myself.

Aall right, we'll delve into another aspect of this issue when I write a sequel article to this one. For now, reread this article about five times until it really sinks in. Work on simply backing your own shit up, and being comfortable in your own skin.

Talk to you soon,
Kephra
Get your copy of Kill The Crap In Dating: For Men now, therapist approved to improve your dating life dramatically, surprisingly it even works for women!

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