Kill The Crap In Dating:

Being Confident, when you're not.

(background turns to black, letters grow and are gray to reduce eyestrain, kill the crap)

This article is intended for both men and women, it is meant to first explain the importance of confidence, and then to show an unconfident person how to A: realize they are unconfident and B: deal with that issue and set themselves on a path to becoming confident.

Sometimes people buy my book Kill The Crap In Dating: For Men thinking that by simply buying the book, and reading three or four pages, they'll immediately become Don Juan and all of their life problems will be solved. And while Kill The Crap In Dating: For Women is not finished yet, I've seen similar behavior from women; people thinking that taking a proverbial "pill" will cure all of their ailments magically. Now, my book WILL improve your dating like ten fold, that's just the way it is, but NOT IF YOU DON'T READ IT. My book being a decoration on your coffee table will not magically seep the knowledge into your brain.

Example: I had a friend purchase my book a few weeks ago and he was reading through it, loving all of the points it had, he got inspired to run out and start meeting women. This is a great thing, but what happened next wasn't so great. He takes the book with him to review before walking up to a girl (take note he hasn't read the book cover to cover yet, he's jumping the gun) he walks towards her, feeling confident, notices her noticing him, his heart starts to pound, he feels obligated to be something great, but he's not great in his mind... he didn't get to that chapter, lol. DUH. To him, he's just some dork that read a book (even though he hasn't even read a quarter of the book yet) and is trying to get into her pants, and she's going to challenge and test him and make everything difficult and he doesn't know what to do.

He darts back to his car... inside of which he actually cries.

He puts the book in his dresser drawer when he gets home and quits. He tells me that the book makes a lot of sense, but it's just not going to work for him. I ask why, he says because, I ask because why, he says it's too complicated for me to understand. Bla bla bla bullshit, five minutes later he tells me he hates the fact that he cant' talk to women, but that some silly book isn't going to change anything, no one can help him, he's a loser, and that's just how life is.

So I say "okay". He's already convinced himself, and for some reason, which I've been trying to understand since, he WANTS to believe that he's a loser.

Now, I've heard similar speeches my whole life, since I first started thinking about girls. I've heard it from women about their inability to meet guys, guys about their lack of ability with women. Women about their difficulties with women, and guys about their frustrations with guys. Bottom line, everyone, no matter who, has trouble with meeting sexual interests.

So what is the difference between a guy/girl who is successful with women/men, and someone who is not? Confidence.

So what is confidence, really, and why is it so important? What does it do for people?

Confidence is a difficult word to describe, but if I had to I would say that: confidence is being within a constant state self-love. What do I mean? Well the best way to explain is with examples: I have a friend who's cousin is a total ladies man. One time he walked up a BEAUTIFUL woman on the dancefloor and TOLD her to dance with him, she said no and rolled her eyes and he simply said "dance with me or I'll backhand ya" with a big grin on his face. Am I condoning smacking women? No, and ya know what, he wasn't going to smack her no matter what anybody thinks. He simply loves himself so much that nothing is a risk to him. If he pisses her off, it doesn't matter, because he still will have love after she's gone. If she gets a bouncer to kick him out, it doesn't matter, because he's still have love. If he goes to JAIL for a night, or longer, it doesn't matter. How many wars have been fought for love? How many people have risked everything for love? When you love yourself, you're willing to risk it all, FOR that love, so that you can live your life the way you want, because you love yourself so much that you feel you deserve it.

Why do you think women desire men, both sexually AND long term relationship wise who can "throw caution to the wind" who are "passionate" who are "daring". These drastic social behaviors are testaments, IMMEDIATE indicators that extreme confidence is present. In order to be confident, you have to have a solid head on your shoulders, you have to be unafraid of living your life, you have to be so full of love that love is coming out of your pores and spilling out into the rest of the world. People want all of that for themselves, therefore people who have those traits in excess will ALWAYS be desired over people that don't. Simply put, if your emotional needs were a mouth, bravery, boldness, personal freedom, love, happiness, conflict, intensity; these are your foods.

If you were starving, would you go to someone who was a "nice" person, but didn't have any food. Or would you go to the person that comes off as an "asshole" but has a whole stockpile of food that's ready to share provided you ask nicely and behave? Why do you think both men and women can do some of the most crazy things to people they are interested in and those people KEEP COMING BACK???

Confidence.

Everyone says Confidence is important, so what else does confidence do? Confidence does many things for both men and women. A confident person makes a great mate because confidence is an immediate justification of your decision. In other words, ladies, when you date a guy and he seems really confident, you feel like he's worth the effort, he's worth getting to know, or he's worth jumping on later that night, but what happens when his confidence dwindles?

We call it being "turned off" but what's actually happening is a few different things all at once, we are first doubting our original impression of the person, we're second; wondering what else is complete bullshit from them we're third; realizing that in order to find out what's really going on and what's really up this persons sleeve is going to take weeks, maybe months of digging, we're fourth; realizing that to spend that much time on someone just to find out if they're lying to you would actually put you into a relationship with someone you know nothing about, fifth; becoming offended because so much is expected in exchange for so little, and sixth; deciding to cut it short because while this person MIGHT be sort of kinda fun, it's too much effort just to simply find out.

Confidence is the starting point, from there, everything else flows, as a friend of mine always says "It's all about flow" first people evaluate your confidence, then from there everything flows outward they start looking at everything else about you. Why? Because confidence is the root of all other personality traits, so it's a quick indicator of who you really are. If people didn't lie, and it was accepted in society that nobody lies, more people would get laid on a regular basis and the sex would be great. But because of insecurity, and people feeling like the only way to succeed is by lying, the seed of doubt has been planted. So women test, guys get confused, and everything is really fucked up.

It's funny, I'm not religious and I take little of what's in the bible for "fact" and more as an explanation of a certain philosophy through storytelling. You know Adam and Eve? When did things go wrong? Was it when they ate the apple? Or when they tried to hide the fact that they did it? That story is an explanation of what deceit does to people. After that they didn't trust each other, after that the world didn't seem so bright, after that things got cold.

When you're a kid, you're living in the garden of eden, but once it starts to register in your mind that people lie to you, people deceive you, and want to trick you. You start to become self conscious, worried, afraid. What does fear do to anyone? It makes them do stupid shit. Why do we always do stupid shit to the people we wish we could be with? Because we're afraid. Why do we love confidence? Because confident people don't do stupid shit even when they are afraid!

Okay, so confidence is important, and now we know that because people don't have all the time in the world to get to know the real (possibly buried?) you, they use confidence as an indicator of what you've got to offer them, yes, under fifteen layers of bullshit, you COULD be someone great, but if you're not willing to show the world that on a daily basis, how great could you possibly be? Maybe you just tell yourself you're great on the inside "once you get to know me" to excuse your own inability to face fears and be yourself.

So how do you know if you're unconfident? Simple... at what percent (ratio of attempts to failures) have you walked up to someone you were interested in getting to know and were rejected before you even could finish what you were saying?

If the ratio of times being rejected compared to times attempted is greater then 60%, you are unconfident. Where did I get this number? From my experience, the experience of friends, family, from books I've read, everyone seems to agree that, just for an easy number to show you what I'm talking about; out of 99 people you attempt to meet, probably 33 will easily build some kind of connection with you, 33 wont like you regardless of what you do, and 33 would or wouldn't like you depending on how you approached them and all sorts of crazy variables. So if your failure rate is worse then two thirds, that means that not only are you being rejected by the people that aren't going to like you regardless, not only are you being rejected by the people that could go either way about you, but you're ALSO being rejected by the people that probably would like you if you could just be yourself!

If you have only walked up to twenty people in a year, or some other very low number, that's also a good indicator.

So now what? We know we're not confident, we know confidence is important, what do we do now? Well, let's take a look at my friend. He buys the book, reads twenty pages, meets one girl, gets rejected and quits. What's wrong with that? According to him it was thinking that a book could help him. Forget about the fact that he didn't read the book, OR do what the pages he did read said to do, the problem is the book, not him. He can't control how people see him, he's just a loser, he was a born a loser, god wants him to be a loser.

"Okay" at that point I just don't care about him anymore. You'll only be as great as you let yourself be.

For the rest of you. The best way to face your lack of confidence, is to get out there and be rejected. Why? Because after you're rejected, nothing bad is going to happen. Let's say that again, "after you're rejected, nothing bad is going to happen." Everyone loses, some people might laugh at you, but it's only to draw attention away from the fact that they're more of a loser then you think you are.

Okay, we know what confidence is now, why it's important, and that we have to get out and try over and over (probably more then 100 rejections before it'll all sink in. I've been rejected over 600 times, but now I'm dating so many women that I actually forget to keep in touch with some, I didn't start out this way, it comes with sacrifice... ooh another religious testament... I wonder if Jesus was a PIMP... I personally think so.)

So what DO you do from here?

That's what 200 pages of Kill The Crap In Dating: For Men is going to show you. Ladies, the main difference, believe it or not, between the Men's and Women's book, ISN'T technique, men and women, contrary to popular belief are EXTREMELY similar. Pretty much 90% of what works with women, will work with men, so I suggest you buy it as well, not only to improve your chances of keeping your man interested, but also to understand what attracts you more so you can clearly seek out the right kind of men that you're after.

Kill The Crap, stop wasting time.

BUY THE BOOK: KILL THE CRAP IN DATING: FOR MEN