Insecurity Through Confidence:
When your thoughts make you feel weak,
you may be stronger then you think.

Here’s an interesting thought to ponder while Killing The Crap™ in your Dating Life… do women reject you because you’re a loser? Or do you push them away because you’re too afraid of being with them?

Let’s take a little inventory of your dating history, everyone’s had successes, and everyone’s had failures, even yours truly. Analyzing the failures helps us to better see a path to success. In my book “Kill The Crap™ In Dating: For Men” I was fortunate enough to impress a female psychotherapist with a single concept so much so, that she now uses my book as a tool to help her male clients better understand how to “be” with women. Accredited and Licensed clinical social worker Rhonda Bean loved this idea so much she even commented to me her shock that no one had ever thought of it before.

While I’m flattered, I don’t think it’s so much that no one has ever thought of these ideas before, I think it’s that no one puts the ideas into words quite like I do. After all “sexy” men have been around since the dawn of man himself, but he’s been outnumbered by awkward and confused guys afraid to even spark a conversation ever since the first civilized society with organized religion.

What’s this amazing idea you ask? The idea is simple, it’s explanation is what gets a little more complex. Here it is:

Your true self is what women have always wanted, but you have rarely shown.

The difficulty with meeting women doesn’t lie in your impulses, it lies in your training. Regardless of who raises you, be it a single mother, or a single dad, two parents that don’t love each other any more, gay or lesbian parents or if you’re one of the few fortunate out there, two loving parents; every human being needs a mixture of soft and hard training.

I see the world changing greatly. In my lifetime alone I have seen social aspects of our society become blurred. Once a call to the public to be more rational and show a little more concern for their fellow man, today’s version of the equality movement sounds more like “if you’re not a big flaming pussy you’re a chauvinistic pig”. To me, this is something that is slowly degrading our entire society. It’s a small wound turning gangrene and causing the entire body to sicken. What has happened in my opinion is that what was the fight of yesterday, has been taken over by the people of today. The problem is that thanks to the battles of yesterday, today’s conflicts seem to pale in comparison. Ego, something both men and women have, comes into play next. Most people join movements for it’s righteousness. Without righteousness there is something left to be desired. So instead of losing the flare these people sought out, they simply fight with as much passion as the people of yesterday. So things like not calling Christmas, Christmas anymore become the forefront of equality somehow. The entire society begins to walk on eggshells in a desire to be fair. This creates great conflict on the individuals of our society, when we want to be strong, we stop, wondering if it is politically correct.

When we want to walk right up to a woman and be the sexy and charismatic man that we know we are deep down inside… we stop, wondering if it’s okay. Social standard of what is considered “okay” and what is “not okay” have bled into our personal lives. People lower their voices every time they refer to someone as “black” and people trip over their words in an attempt to “correct” their opinions for fear of being assaulted by the righteous out to protect us from ourselves.

Logic, it seems has left the building. There is a fine line between mindless bickering and dealing with important issues. That line has been mushed around so hard in the past ten years alone that nobody even has a clue what they should say anymore. So, people stop talking. Funny how right around the same time, there’s been a resurgence of teen pregnancy, parents have stopped talking to their children, for fear of saying the wrong things, children begin to ignore everyone and simply make choices based on impulse. Again and again we tilt back and forth between either extreme, completely blind to the balance that creates real men.

The balance lies in being hard enough and soft enough, it lies in our training, and when we lack the teachers we need, we must train ourselves. So far we have touched greatly on some of the social roots to our current insecurities, now let us talk about ourselves and what we can do about it. Self understanding seems to be a life long journey for everyone I have ever met. It can often be confusing and I’ve seen many simply stop trying, but for the people that I have seen push forward, great success has come their way.

I’ve talked one on one with guys like Eric and Tom, real guys like you that have used Kill The Crap™ In Dating: For Men along with the free dating advice questions to become more then what they ever imagined possible in their own dating life. I’ve also used those conversations as a chance to get an outside-looking-in perspective on a mans journey to break free of the mindless crap that has been added to his value-set over the years and recreate a value-set that actually has something to do with his life.

What I’ve come to see is something I find extremely interesting. You guys aren’t as insecure as you think. In fact, some of you are pretty damn cocky, you just don’t have the practice needed to use that confidence and cockiness for the good of your own happiness.

“Insecurity through confidence™”

It means that for some of you, maybe more of you then anybody realizes, it’s not “getting the girl” that worries you. It’s what to do with her after you’ve “gotten” her. You take a look at the girl, and you use your extremely brilliant minds to paint a picture of what your entire involvement with this girl is going to look like. You see yourself walking up to her and being suave, saying the right things, getting her, having sex with her…
Then… you see yourself doing it again, and again, and again. Then you’re in a relationship, next she wants to move in, then she wants a house, then kids, then to move her parents in… you see all that and you FREEZZZZEEE.

Now you’re hearts not in it anymore, but the obligation of “being a man” makes you feel as though you need to do it anyway otherwise you’ll be a “punk”, so you walk up to her…

And have the lamest conversation you ever had since the last time you tried to talk to a girl. This is crazy part though, you screwed up because really you didn’t want to be there, but somehow you feel as though it still reflects on your masculinity… so instead of being like “whatever” you scold yourself for being a loser.

What is the missing element?

Trust me guys, since the beginning of the 80’s, you’ve all learned how to be plenty soft… unfortunately hard has taken a back seat.

In that big canvas of insanity you painted when thinking about that girl… when the hell did any of that HAVE to happen?

What you don’t realize, or what you are having difficulty accepting, is that your life, is your life. Your fuckups are YOUR fuckups… but your successes are yours too. There’s no such thing as getting lucky, there’s no such thing as a “pity fuck”. You either did something right, or you could have done better, or you should have done something different.

You either were smooth suave and sexy and it caused the girl to want to be with you, or you had trouble deciding what you really wanted, hesitated and the moment passed you, or you went in under the guise of something else, only to wish you had just been open about what you wanted all along.

The next time your confidence causes you to paint an entire canvas of what that relationship is going to look like and it scares you, stop for a second, and realize that nothing happens without actions causing them to happen. Act in accordance with what YOU want for YOURSELF and you will find yourself suddenly getting what you want.

To learn more about decoding your thoughts, desires and impulses and turning them into methods for meeting women in a way that will result in you getting exactly what you want, check out my book “Kill The Crap™ In Dating: For Men”

Kill The Crap,
Kephra

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