Nothing 11/14/04

For so long I felt nothing,

No guilt or shame no pride or happiness, no sadness until one day, I felt the pain from the inside of my heart, so many feelings I was falling apart, that anger and hate, the guilt the shame, the pain, the pride, the joy, happiness of a little boy, I had forgotten all about it, the feelings were once there they WERE there can you hear it? Oh my god can you hear it? Can you feel it? It's like shadows are now real, mist is now air, the breath is now life, my life is right here, I'm so unprepared, I admit, it makes me cry, I can't escape the self hate I hide, but I see it,

everything I locked away

I need it

done

She's crazy, kinda 11/30/04

The main issue is she creates this life that is so great, she can't get any sympathy whenever her heart aches, really she wants friends and really she wants love, but really she wants a person who just doesn't give a fuck, cause really it's not real and she needs someone to say, shut the fuck up cause we're doing this today, to be led and watched over- but left to be free, to not be 100% important to me, someone who can be there just a touch more then she needs, just enough so that she's always kinda missin me, She begs for stupid things because she wants to see, if I'll give in, if who I say I am is really me. Why? Because, people lie. And that hurts inside, you can't try and deceive her mind, show the bad and she'll wonder what's good, accept the fact that you will be misunderstood, just be you, be brave enough to just be you, cause when you're vulnerable like that, you'd be surprised what she'd do

end-

Stop Being Pussy 11/30/04

it's okay to be a man
it's okay to take a stand
there's nothing wrong with wanting sex
women want it more so we got all the chips
It's fine to challenge the mind of a pretty girl
Fine to expect more then a face from the world
BE DEFIANT, BE STRONG
Don't ever be afraid that you might be wrong
Lead your girl, make the decisions
Tell her where to sit
When she starts acting bitchy, tell her to shut her lip
DON"T take her shit
She's just testing you
To see if you're what she originally saw in you
Just be you and listen inside to that little voice
How many times have you given in on YOUR choice?
Constantly Move things forward
If you don't push for sex, brother she'll just leave
If you don't believe me you'll see

Or you'll "just be friends" is that what you want in the end?

Highly doubtful

done... bitch

More Poems to be added later

To Debbie 12/9/04

The truth is I'm a bitch, I know I was just a kid, but I should have stayed I shouldn't have left her behind to pay, I ran away, because I wanted to survive, and I know she's alive, but I wonder with what kinda life? I'll be rich one day, and it's because I ran away, I don't care how scared I was inside, I should have stayed to fight. I was 7 but it doesn't matter, I knew she needed somebody to create some kind anchor, I know that she loved me. I treated her so bad, the day that I left. I can't get the images out of my head. I'm so stupid, in my heart, I fantasize about traveling through time, and going back with a little more strength to stay by her side. I could handle the beatings, I could handle being alone, I could handle having nobody to give me a home, but she wasn't like that. She just needed one person to show her some true love. God damn it why am I so weak, I told her to jump into my arms, but I dropped my arms, and watched her fall, and I laughed at her as she hit the ground, I can't change that now, I can't go back and be somebody I wasn't then that I'm not now. I remember walking away, and she just looked at me, crying and so frustrated because she honestly believed, that I wouldn't leave.... But I did. I wanted her to hate me so she wouldn't miss me. Why am I so weak? I still do the same things. I betray all the people that say that they love me. I don't care if it's 7, 17, or 33, the only thing she learned from me was that even the people she loved she can't believe. I feel so guilty and I deserve it, I hate myself for it, she was always honest to me, always caring to me, and when it was time to leave I treated her so unfairly, she didn't deserve it. But I do deserve everything that's ever happened to me, because in the end I'm just some guy who's gonna leave and only worry about me. Debbie, by now you probably can't remember me, that shit was like 15 years ago and back then you were 3/4 past three. But you were my friend then, and I punished you for that, I just hope that you haven't grown up to hate the world back. I don't know if there's really anyone out there with a good soul. But learn from my mistakes and try not to lose hope. I know on that day I took something away. I guess it was something I thought that I could keep for me. See it's hard for me to sustain a memory, so maybe that's why I was so cruel, to burn you into my past so that I wouldn't lose you. It was my choice if I wanted to go home or if I wanted to stay. But I just thought that going home was what was expected of me. Doing what is expected of me has never done anything good for me, but I still do it. . . why do I do it? I just hope that you have made it on your own, and did it without growing bitterness inside of your soul. You can succeed, no matter how many people let you hit the ground and leave, you can, that's all I can say to you is you can, please make a good life, and I'm sorry that I wasn't a friend.

-Kephra-

Funny (12/19/04)

It's funny how I see,

somebody just like me,

only to prevent them from coming too closely

afraid they might discovery I'm weak

that I pretend to be stronger than I really can be

secretly wishin somebody might understand

obviously knowing that nobody really can

why? I don't let them, truly I think it's funny

how people just like me, don't seem to see

Maybe they do but wont admit it for the same reasons as me

funny

Understand 01/09/05

Do you really want to understand? Okay…

It's like a boulder that drags down on everything you say
Trying to share what's inside when nobody believes in anything
It feels like there is a voice in your heart that tells you to keep going
But it wont tell you where, it's like it laughs at you not knowing

It's like being trapped in a maze, for twenty two years of your life
With a person that don't speak the same language as you for a guide
And both of you scream at each other you get so frustrated inside
You wish that you could understand each other for one moment in time

And along the walls of this maze is people telling you you can't escape
Every day for every hour someone says it's a risk you shouldn't take
Surfaces covered in thorns, barefoot no short cuts at all
When you do somethin wrong you bleed to make it back to where you got lost

And on the way back all of those people frozen on the walls
Laugh and tell you how you should have listen all along
And you get so angry because you see the happiness in their eyes
And part of you wonders if you will even survive

22 years and it's getting hard for you to believe in your own heart
You start to think that your guide is the reason why you fall apart
The most painful part of all is when you start to think that you were wrong
That's when the maze increases gravity and you can barely lift your arms

As if it isn't hard enough now the weight is pouring on
You're trying to ignore the site of your own wounds and scars
You're your only coach your only voice telling you that you should fight
And every other voice you hear is asking why you haven't died

And then finally after fighting, not sleeping and starving
And the cuts on your arms the pain makes the site so alarming
Part of you wonders if it's a trick after these 22 years of doubt
That there's this thing in front of you that might be the way out

It IS the end of the maze, so many people said that you were crazy
But it's there you did it, it's more then amazing
And you walk to the base of the stairs that lead to somewhere
And you fall to the thorny ground cut your face and shed bloody tears

The feeling you can't describe a million feelings that you locked inside
Being let out all at once because there's no more need to hide
You stagger to your feet after an hour at the foot of the steps
And then… another joke the steps take away your breath

Fear returns to your head as you walk up the steps
You fall down on the steps as you look back on what you left
The perspective is changed you see a better glimpse of everything
This new angle reveals what you left is also coming

All you see is black sky and staircases in a straight line
Connecting maze after maze all the way back to the start of your life
And all those people that you hated for what they did to your heart and mind
You didn't realize it's your family and friends that you'll have to leave behind

Along the steps there are people that encourage you to move on
And behind you there are people telling you that you are still wrong
The stair case is so long, and it goes up so high that you can't even see
What's at the top of this staircase one can only dream

You're proud that you succeeded at escaping that maze
And for a moment you look back and happily gaze
You won, you're a winner but the confusion echoes in your head
You've come so far already, so now what comes next?

What does it mean? 03/19/05

Another friend in jail, I ponder many things
More and more I feel alone, and empty within
Another friend I'll never see,
all that's happened makes me think

Gives me guilt, it gives me pain
Why is it that I remain?
I teeter on the edge, so much like them
The line between us is very thin

Should I be with them?
I abandoned them, and everything went wrong
True while I was with them the problems were there
The difference from now and before I left can't be compared

I lost half in a single day, and now the few that remain
Slowly being picked off, why does this keep happening
I guess I'm just afraid, if I want to be honest about it
It was so dark for me when I homeless

And now here I am, I lost my job
The album isn't selling quite that strong
The money isn't there, so I teeter here
One by one they disappear

And one by one I'm all alone
I feel like there's no place to go
I feel backed in a corner, and lately
I've been feeling so fuckin angry

It makes me sick, it makes it hard to sleep
It makes it hard to eat, and still I keep
I keep everything inside, bottle it all the time
Why can't I just succeed, what am I doing wrong?

So I fight so hard, to try and hold on
Am I the only one? That wants a better life?
Am I the only one that believes we can succeed?
Why is it the only one trying is me?

Why is it every person I talk to shoots themselves down
Why is it people are so negative

GOD DAMNIT, people just need to shut the fuck up
All we ever heard growing up is how we'd end up dead or in jail
All ANYBODY EVER TOLD US, was that we were gonna fail
ALL any teacher ever did was shoot us down when we prevailed

All any parent ever taught was that we could never dream
And all those friends ever said was how they believed in me

I wasn't there for them as much as I should have been
No one was there for them, I am not a good friend
I did what was best for me, and not for us
They made their choice… but there had to have been something I could have done

And now another friend talks how money's tight
That's always what they say before it's… goodbye
I am so afraid, how much can I take?
I have no idea…

So many people were willing to die for me
I've never met someone willing to live for themself
Except me,
What does that mean?

Strength 04/13/05

I have the strength to admit that I'm afraid
But in spite of all that strength, still I run away
Why do I feel trapped when there's no need to escape?
I fight so hard, when there's absolutely no hope
But when things get easy, all I do is choke
Why do I feel so low?

Addicted to suffering, must be what I've become
Just a strung out junky trying to fuck my life up
So I'll feel alive again and have a place to run
I make myself shallow, and pretend to be a man
The truth I can't even make a solid plan
I'm like a robot, about as much heart as the tin man

Cause the only time I fight, is when I'm about to die
I'm no warrior, just a regular guy fighting to stay alive
I've been singing how I will succeed since the age of five
So lost in my own battles I can't see beyond the pain
Closing my mind trying to keep myself sane
But sanity doesn't come from hiding away

I'm stuck, what is it I'm waiting for?

Rain Drops and Tears 08/14/05

She get's beat constantly, but never does she leave
It looks like she enjoys being treated abusivley
She must have low self esteem
She must be crazier then she seems

A natural born loser, bruises and bloody lips
A crimson kiss, apologies and broken ribs
Torture every day, but still she stays
Every one around her says there's gotta be a better way

But you don't understand, and she can't explain
Some will never comprehend the meaning of pain
Sometimes the past, hurts more then a bruised back
And distractions can be better then having to look back

Though you see marks, you don't see her true pain
Neither does she, that's why she throws herself in the rain
The Rain drops may beat her down, and make her so cold
But they also hide her tears so her true pain is never known

Bruises heal, broken bones mend,
But how do you face the kind of pain that never ends?
And so she throws herself in the rain
And hides her tears

It's Me 8/17/2005

Sometimes I don't know why
I turn away and hide
I see you staring at me all the time...

I walk away, hoping to escape
All the way people say they want to keep me safe
You used to always say that you would keep me safe

Sometimes I wish you would die
Because maybe then I could finally live my life
The needle and thread sew my mouth and eyes

I could speak but I can't
I could see... but I can't
You have taken so much from me... I want it back

I was happy, I was strong,
I was innocent, you were wrong
I didn't deserve it, but you did it
I want you to be gone

No matter how far I run you are always there
I see you in my eyes in my every breath of air
I try so hard to be real, but I have run too far
I don't know who I am... can't remember who you are...

I am still running
But I'm lost
Still hiding
But there you are

Still fighting, but my fists are only contacting with air
It's like everything I do to get away keeps me there
Overcome so many obstacles still more to go
And still I'm held back because I can't let go

I have suffered so much and I don't know why
I just want you to die
But... how do you kill what has traveled inside?

What did you get out of something like this?
What sort of pleasure is there in torturing kids?
Power is what you wanted? Is that what this is?
Maybe if there was a reason then I could accept it

Maybe if I accept it then I could get rid of it
Maybe if there's a point, I could understand how
Everyone can beat someone down

I could say it's my mom, or dad, or brothers
I could say it was my foster parents
Or maybe all the others

But I've run, they aren't part of my life these days
They aren't here to hold me back the same way
Now things are different I can succeed at anything

I'm finally on my own now to do what I please
But something still seems to have a hold on me
GHOSTS that follow me in the depths of my dreams
I get so CLOSE to succeed... and then I freeze

But there's nobody here that hates me
Nobody here that wants to see me bleed
Yet I'm still holding back hiding from things I can't see
Have you won? Did your plan to ruin me succeed?

...

Because now the only person holding me back...

...

...

...

is me.

copyright 2005 Midnight Sun

It Degrades

It degrades-

Somebody please help me
To understand why
Slowly it degrades

Such a great mind
Such a great sight
A magnificent image
A picture perfect heart

But slowly the film fades
The image degrades
The thoughts wash out
All that remains is an outline

Memories that feel like broken pieces
Can't find the shards we need to mend
So many fragments lost
But we hold on to what we can...

We can only grasp so much in one life
And the sands of time are just too fine
Try so hard but the shards are gone
The cracks let slip, but we try to hold on

So many beautiful things
So many memories fade
It feels like so many things
Get taken away

Trying to look back,
Maybe memories
Could pay honor to the events we lost
But the images fade,

Somebody please help me
To understand why
Slowly it degrades

The harder we fight to keep
The faster it slips away
The more of a dream my life seems like to me

Slowly it degrades
So many things left behind
So many times we walked away

Slowly it degrades
Sweat, blood, tears, loss, pain
All grains, scratches, cracks and hairs
On the image that remains

And yet STILL, slowly it degrades

In futility we fight with all of our might to hang on
Because to let go, would leave us all alone
With no faded outlines left for us to hold

Perhaps it is pitiful,

It's beautiful to me really, the willingness to fight
Even if in the end, we all must go
And though our images will become faded too
At least we are given that honor from people who hold on to what they can.

Yes, life can often feel like a cruel joke, given so much and yet so much is gone, and it's hard to even get them back in our mind.

But there is a certain beauty in not wanting to let go
That we are not forgotten out of spite, nor greed or hate, we are not forgotten out of shame, or disgust, or pain, we are not forgotten intentionally to rectify jealousy or disgust...

We are forgotten with a fight, we are forgotten with resistance, defiance, steadfastness, we are forgotten with virture, with strength, with honor, with loyalty, we are forgotten with respect and to be forgotten slowly in spite of the finest aspects of humanity, as lonely and cold as being forgotten is, there is a certain beauty in people who in the face of futility... hold on to what they can.

I laugh as I ponder, with still no answer to why
Slowly it degrades

I notice pieces of me drift away, I am sad, I fought so hard, but there is no escaping the end.

I try to hold on, I really do.

The sand is so fine, I can only grasp so much...

But... still... I hold on to what I can.

I guess, perhaps... beauty is in the end.

So slowly it degrades.

-end-

copyright 2005 Midnight Sun all rights reserved

yes NOTE the copyright... last thing i need is the worlds next puffy trying to sample my shit